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How do you avoid MURDERING your SPAWN?

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13 Dec 2016 21:47 #240491 by dysjunct
My kid is two and a week. Tonight she decided it would be a great idea to scream from approximately 1600-1830.

I had dark thoughts that are best not discussed, but would certainly have resulted in me hanging myself in my jail cell.

Experienced spawners: please share your best practices on avoiding jail and/or suicide.

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13 Dec 2016 22:45 #240494 by hotseatgames
Here's what you need.
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13 Dec 2016 23:13 #240497 by dysjunct
I had a Manhattan already. I will look into having another.
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13 Dec 2016 23:25 - 13 Dec 2016 23:30 #240498 by Michael Barnes
Just wait until they are 5-6 years old and it's close to Christmas. They start losin they goddamned minds. I just about wound up on the local news as a child beater over a zeppole incident at an Italian joint Sunday night. And then there is the fact that my son is now an advanced green belt and thinks he can bust out self defense moves when I have to jerk him up. My daughter is like a 15 year old already- you don't understand me, doors slamming, I'm leaving- the whole routine. Crying all night ain't nothing.

It's worth it though. But the unspoken truth that nobody will cop to is that your kids are going to piss you the fuck off. You are going to get super fucking pissed at them. You are going to seethe with rage at them. You may even think temporarily that you might hate them. But it will pass, as will all of this first two years kind of stuff. Once they get to where they can actually communicate, you can reason with them, and cut deals with them things get much easier. Kind of. Not really.

Drinks do help.
Last edit: 13 Dec 2016 23:30 by Michael Barnes.
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14 Dec 2016 00:08 #240499 by SecretSantana
My fifteen-year-old daughter is like a perfect kid, but she can roll her eyes and say a few words and eviscerate your self-esteem.

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14 Dec 2016 00:09 #240500 by Chapel
I am more of an idea man. I've planned out 1000 ways to off my kids over the years, but am terrible at executing plans. Laziness keeps my kids alive.
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14 Dec 2016 00:37 #240505 by Frohike
Be sure to watch some Babadook.

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14 Dec 2016 01:33 - 14 Dec 2016 01:38 #240507 by OldHippy
My Dad used to joke to me when I was younger. I'd tell him I was itchy, for example, and ask how I can make it go away and he'd say something like: "Well, you could try the ancient Chinese technique passed down from the monks for generations." "What's that?" I'd say, and he'd look at me very seriously and just say: "ignore it". I fell for that several times over the years... some variation of that theme. At the time it sounded ridiculous and maybe today it does as well but there was a time in there where I got it. Almost like a waking meditation. It's really all there is.

I try to be in a good mood through the crying and the fits and out of control emotions but I occasionally loose my temper and luckily I didn't have kids till I was much older because I know exactly how to just turn it off. Walk away, play an instrument, pick up a comic.. something along those lines. Even just pace for a couple of minutes or simply breathe. A moment later, a tiny bit of reflection and you can keep sane. My older son has gotten to a challenging stage of late and he likes to see how much 'no' he can get away with. So I've had to find all these go arounds. Unfortunately for me he's super competitive so I'm using that to my advantage. Instead of saying 'put on your pj's it's time for bed' I say 'I bet you can't get your pj's on in 35 seconds... I just know you can't, in fact you're waaayyyy toooo slooooow.' and bang he's off to the races. I count real slow and he gets it done in a minute or two and I'm just at 31 or so when he's done. Between that and lying about Santa Claus and God know what other loads of bull I've fed him... parenting is fucking weird man.
Last edit: 14 Dec 2016 01:38 by OldHippy.
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14 Dec 2016 02:02 #240508 by Vlad
I am losing my nerves with my son almost on daily basis, and I feel like I want to deal with it like my parents did - that is, to act very impulsively and without much thinking. Which never fixed any problems, but did a lot to damage our relationship on the long term. So, yeah, JonJacob advice is on the spot. Try to relax, breathe and for goodness sake, don't say or do anything when you're royally pissed. Whatever our kids do, it is our reaction that will define both them, us and our future relationship. I am not saying being lenient is the answer, just that you can't react in the spur of the moment. This is easier said than done, of course, in particular when there are situations that you can't just walk away for a couple of minutes and come back with a clear head.

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14 Dec 2016 02:47 - 14 Dec 2016 03:04 #240509 by Colorcrayons
My dad sucked, and everyday I'm afraid I will be as bad or worse than him. Like beta to alpha levels of suck.

I feel like I constantly fail despite trying my best to never get mad. But dealing with preexisting baggage before i was around that the kids have which has nothing to do with me is what really tests my patience and zen.

When they act like twats ( which is nearly all the time, especially the male) I tell them that I do not negotiate with terrorists, and I remove myself from the situation, or isolate them from the situation. They have learned that if they are fucktards for long enough that their mom will give in and they will get their way, so I feel I have to be the asshole and make sure no matter what they do, it won't work. To not reward negative behavior and to emphatically reward positive behavior in a way that could make me easily mistaken for a retarded meth addicted lunatic.

I often find myself strongly dislikng the male, and am convinced this bastard will end up as a worthless waste of oxygen that will make no contribution to society and should be a candidate for late term (ten years late) abortion. He just doesn't get that being a piece of shit will not get him far. But hey, trump got elected, so what the fuck do I know?

And even though I love him just as much as I hate him, I still hold hope. Its that hope that stays my hand and my withering vocabulary from being directed at him or his sis. To never correct when emotional, and to only do it when calm and reasonable. To never lose your cool in front of them, because if you do, the little fucking terrorists have won.

Amongst my venting there is advice. I wish I could say I am joking about feeling the way I do. Its a tough racket and a god damned full time job that I hope pays off one day. Please, someone tell me it pays off one day. The path to hell is paved with good intentions, and I feel good intentions is all I have some days.

[Edit] that felt good to vent. But if you're like me and your only support is an online forum for parenting advice, then like me, I suggest you seek a real source of support in counseling to deal with this in a healthy way. I don't envy going through the terrible twos that you are going through. It makes my ordeal a cakewalk in comparison. Counseling has helped a lot to center the anger, despite what my venting may lead you to believe.
Last edit: 14 Dec 2016 03:04 by Colorcrayons.
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14 Dec 2016 03:28 #240512 by Frohike
My daughter was being such a screaming, flailing, abusive, trantrumy shit one year, right around, oh wait, it was right on Halloween day, that she finally pressed one of us to threaten revoking her trick-or-treating rights (I think it was my wife; it was honestly kind of a blur). That was a bad decision, because she of course lost those rights, and holy fuck will we never live that one down. We're the parents who took away her Halloween one year. I fully expect a recounting of our grievous, scarring, misdeeds when she's in her prime teenage snark years.

Come to think of it, she never reached quite the tantrum crescendo that she did on that day, so perhaps something sunk in. But oof, the guilt.

Anyway, stay calm, walk away & tag out when possible, and don't threaten under duress.

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14 Dec 2016 07:58 - 14 Dec 2016 08:10 #240515 by Nodens
Some great advice above this post. Another vote for - if possible - refraining from saying stuff under stress you might regret later. Also, if you want your threats to have any significance whatsoever try not to threaten what you are not prepared to deliver.
As a friend likes to put it: 'A kids' job is to wreck your nerves. That's how you know they are healthy.'
Last edit: 14 Dec 2016 08:10 by Nodens. Reason: typo
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14 Dec 2016 08:24 #240517 by Black Barney

dysjunct wrote: My kid is two and a week. Tonight she decided it would be a great idea to scream from approximately 1600-1830.

I had dark thoughts that are best not discussed, but would certainly have resulted in me hanging myself in my jail cell.

Experienced spawners: please share your best practices on avoiding jail and/or suicide.


There is nothing at all wrong with just leaving your kid to scream alone. In fact, psychologically, it's the best thing to do for both you and your child. The screaming is for attention. Your kid doesn’t mind getting negative attention at all.

If you want a great book for this kind of stuff, I can't recommend enough The Incredible Years: A Troubleshooting Guide to Kids 2-8

Has a great scenario of this happening at a grocery store that totally saved my sanity. I used many of the concepts, tricks and ideas from that book and I have the best five year old girl on the planet.

Honestly just leave your kid to scream. It won't take many occurrences before they realize it's not getting them anything and they'll give it up.

Good luck !
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14 Dec 2016 10:47 #240538 by barrowdown
My non-serious advice is to marry someone who specializes in early childhood development and education. It has worked wonders for me.

I take my wife's guidance for most difficult interactions and the remainder of the time, I act as the calming force when my wife has been pushed to her limit. She is also my daughter's teacher so my wife does not actually ever get to escape her if she is having a bad day.

A lot of it boils down to what Barney said. Just let them be upset sometimes in a controlled matter. Do not let them harm themselves or destroy things, but sometimes yelling can payoff in the future.
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14 Dec 2016 10:54 #240540 by Columbob
My eldest is an angel and rarely does anything "bad", but her little sister (4 in a month), sheesh I don't know where to start - won't fall asleep (or stay in bed) without mommy beside her (4 years on - major drag for both parents, and it doesn't help that she naps at daycare because the time to fall asleep is later than we'd like during the week), doesn't listen, hits or pushes to get what she wants, cries and cries when she doesn't, will yell ("sing"?) at the top of lungs even if we tell her to lower her voice, yesterday she literally threw herself down on our timid cat because it's always running away from her, and she hurt it (you think it'll come see you now?) and scared the other one, hackles and ears raised and pupils dilated. She's throwing a tantrum in the car if her mom walks her older sister to the school - she's out for LESS THAN TWO MINUTES. Terrible Twos were followed by even more Terrible Threes and hopefully we won't have the Fucking Fours, but I doubt it.

Her cousin's (youngest of 4) has also been the most problematic for my brother and SIL, I think he's still got sleeping issues at 4 and a half.

These days they each have an Advent calendar (Lego and Playmobil), but they only get to open the door if they behave, at home, school and daycare - 3 year old already skipped 2 days. But fuck do I hate to threaten...behave or we won't do this or that - feels like we're doing this all the time.

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