Secret Satan 2016 Results!

San,

27.5 pounds of "love" is headed your way.

And when I mean "love" I mean bitter, bitter tears of disappointment

cranberries wrote: I came home to this on the porch, and immediately started laughing:

They're Pee pads for dogs. Awesome. The box weighs about 20 lbs. It's from Kentucky, so according to my wife it's probably full of whiskey, cigarettes and porn. She also suggested I open it on Christmas morning, but I think I'll wait until the rain clears up, don some protective gear, and open it the shed in the backyard. Stay tuned.

After realizing this was probably full of porn and cigarettes, there was only one thing I could, in good conscience, do:

I'll dig through the ashes tomorrow after church and see if I can reconstruct what was in the package. The smoke was so noxious my wife made me hang my coat outside.

cranberries wrote: I'll dig through the ashes tomorrow after church and see if I can reconstruct what was in the package. The smoke was so noxious my wife made me hang my coat outside.

HA! I hope there was a $400 OOP wargame and an ounce of weed in the box.

When I walked into the back yard this morning, the package was mysteriously restored, despite having been burned the night before!

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Matthew 5:30:

And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

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Matthew 25:41:

Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.

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I know this is supposed to be the "lame" game, but my geekbuddies love it!

San Il Defanso: It's too bad stuff like this has fallen out of favor, because The Swarm is a really fun game. I'm an especially big fan of the way players basically pay for all of their actions up front, and then determine the order in which they will play them. I've never seen anything quite like it.

The license feels like it might be part of the problem. I had never heard of the novel this is based on before playing the game, and only tried it on the recommendation of others. Its box doesn't really give any indication of what the game is like, if you just look at the front cover. Shame too, because this is one that deserves better than the bargain bin.

I have no idea why there is a disgusting patch of hair taped to this:

Isaiah 1:4--Ah sinful nation, a people laden with iniquity, a seed of evildoers, children that are corrupters: they have forsaken the LORD, they have provoked the Holy One of Israel unto anger, they are gone away backward.


And Kemet! This is the kind of game that I didn't know I was looking for until it showed up on my doorstep in a pet urination pad box. Look at these comments from a review over on TOS:

With Kemet, two things hooked me - first, the box cover is ridiculous. Like 70's-era van art ridiculous, like a wizard riding a unicorn shooting lightning from his staff ridiculous. It should come with a sticker on the side of the box that says, "If this box is rockin', don't come knockin'." There's something awesome about that level of audacity, something that says that either this game is going to fail spectacularly or it's going to be kickass. If nothing else, the box tells you immediately that this game has giant brass balls.

And the bloodshed - OH MY --- the bloodshed. This game is aggressive, probably moreso than any other game I've played, with the possible exception of Space Hulk. Some DoaM games suffer from the fatal flaw of encouraging or enabling turtling, which inevitably slows the game to a crawl while players engage in an arms race that culminates in one big winner-take-all conflict (see also: Australia strategy). Kemet not only discourages turtling, but by making winning battles one of the most reliable sources of permanent victory points, it actively punishes it. This game is like a knife fight in a phone booth. With katanas. And wolverines.

-- boardgamegeek.com/thread/997872/i-love-i...ve-cake-review-kemet
My 12-year-old daughter asked what 1970s van art was. After I explained it, she said, "That's awesome, why don't people still do that?"


My wife, who is getting her Master's degree in humanities with an emphasis on Middle East art commented, "Oh--this isn't HISTORICAL Egypt"

If you look carefully, you can see who sent this awesome package!


There were some extra goodies in the box, and my kitchen floor is also covered with cardboard markers/coins from some game:

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I must've screwed up and not sent the right Horror page.

The Krampus Hair was on the corn because...

"HORROR #"
"Based on your tales of your child's rebellion, I think you may want to choose the nuclear option. To summon the Krampus, you must simply place the most vile food ever onto your porch. I've given you a sample of such a monstrosity, as well as a small lock of Krampus fur so you'll know if he came by"

Rliyen - Hope you received your warning letter, that you may have sufficient time to make peace with your creator. Winged, demonic hordes, and the United States Postal Service, are headed your way. That may have been a redundant statement.

I don't think I fully conveyed how excited I am about Kemet. It's exactly the game I want and need.

Secret Satan wrote: Rliyen - Hope you received your warning letter, that you may have sufficient time to make peace with your creator. Winged, demonic hordes, and the United States Postal Service, are headed your way. That may have been a redundant statement.

Beelz, you ignorant slut. I am in receipt of your missive.




However, since I am not stupid. I let my wife open it. I'm glad I did, as your Glyph of Paper Cuts did not affect me, but her.

And you prove your ignorance once more. You have given me an eldritch tome in which to defeat your kind! Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!





Bring it!

ATMaloney !, prepare thyself. 21.6 lbs of my fiery realms best re-education materials are on their way to your residence.

So a package arrived from Hell. I knew it was from Hell because it was wrapped in copious amounts of duct tape, and it had Michigan on the return address. After getting the OK from the bomb dogs, I filed an environmental impact report with Hays County, donned the appropriate personal protective equipment, and opened the demonic delivery.

Awesome! Lots of stuffing, a 300 piece Rick and Morty puzzle, and three game-shaped boxes, mirthfully wrapped in yuletide festoonery! What’s this? A note? After years of regimented indoctrination, I know better than to proceed any further without reading the instructions.



Aha! I case the Brobdingnagian numbers emblazoned on the packages were not obvious enough, this good-hearted incubus was kind enough to inform me of the order in which to unwrap the boxes. He even went out of his way to emphasize the importance with threats to my immortal soul. I admire a guy who goes the extra mile.



Box number 1: Look at this! Knowing what a Games Workshop, stand-alone game whore I am, this anonymous Samaritan has bestowed a prize more valuable than frankincense -- Lost Patrol.



I can’t wait to open it up and play it – what sort of chicanery is this!? These are not plastic guys with guns. There are no dice in this box whatsoever. This looks more like a German-designed reenactment of an 881 page German novel! Oh foul beast, how my hopes are dashed upon the rocks of despair.



But wait, we have two more joyfully-wrapped cubes of possibility.

Box number 2: The aptly named number two is a box for a German-designed reenactment of an 881 page German novel. What am I supposed to do with that? Wait! Perhaps this contains the contents of my much-missed Lost Patrol.



Nope, more skullduggery. It appears to be the contents of some Italian, old-west Yatzee game. I might as well get the sackcloth and ashes out. But first, I’ll open the final coffer of false hope.



Box number 3: Very curious, it’s a box for some Italian, old-west Yatzee game, but contains many exciting and interesting pieces, space marines, genestealers, jungle tiles, tiny dice. Too bad I don’t know to what game they belong.



Well, there you have it. I have three boxes for some fun and interesting games, but none of them have the right contents in them, so I guess I only have one thing left to do…



Just kidding! I also have the awesome box it came in!



Thanks Secret Satan! I now rebuke thee. Back! Back from whence you came, and enjoy your Pistons 14-17 record, you foul, putrid hell-spawn.

All games present but in the wrong boxes, and each box is individually wrapped. I'm mad I never thought of that.

An enormous brick of coalesced shadow and flame appeared on our doorstep today. Results tonight when I get home!

Sgt. Dave, my imps assembled those minis themselves with their cloven hooves. That's the real curse.